WASHINGTON, D.C. – In the latest episode of America: The Reality Show, Elon Musk has decided he now runs the U.S. government. Or maybe it’s still Donald Trump. Or perhaps they’re just taking turns like two toddlers with a toy steering wheel. Whatever the case, federal workers have been given 48 hours to prove they’re not useless, or Musk—self-appointed “Efficiency Czar”—will simply assume they quit.
Yes, you read that correctly. The man who couldn’t figure out how to make Twitter (sorry, X) profitable is now in charge of determining government productivity. Because who better to streamline public service than someone whose own companies have hemorrhaged billions in bad investments and failed projects?
Musk made the announcement in a way that is, of course, the most presidential and professional method possible—via a tweet. “Consistent with President @realDonaldTrump’s instructions, all federal employees will shortly receive an email requesting to understand what they got done last week. Failure to respond will be taken as a resignation.”
And just like that, the entire federal workforce was sent scrambling, receiving a vague three-line email demanding they submit “approx. 5 bullets” detailing their work accomplishments for the week. No context, no criteria—just an efficiency trial by PowerPoint bullet points. What happens if they don’t respond? Apparently, their jobs just vanish into the ether, as if they never existed. Efficiency!
Government Agencies in Chaos (Again, What’s New?)
Predictably, this has set off pure chaos across agencies that, you know, actually do things, like the National Weather Service and the State Department. These departments, which handle minor tasks like tracking hurricanes and negotiating international diplomacy, are now left wondering whether their employees will still have jobs next week.
Some agencies have already told employees not to respond until they can confirm whether Musk’s decree is real or just another one of his many impulsive social media tantrums. (Given his track record, it’s a valid question.)
Meanwhile, thousands of government workers are already packing up their desks, thanks to previous Trump-Musk “efficiency” efforts that have gutted entire departments. Veterans Affairs? Slashed. Health and Human Services? Who needs it? National Park Service? Just let the trees fend for themselves.
We don’t know exactly how many workers have been laid off so far because transparency in this administration is about as real as Trump’s love for reading. But reports suggest it’s in the hundreds of thousands. Because if there’s one thing America needs less of, it’s people making sure your food, air, and medicine aren’t poisoned.
“Public Service Is for Losers” – The Musk-Trump Philosophy
Unsurprisingly, unions are furious. Everett Kelley, president of the American Federation of Government Employees (AFGE), summed it up:
“It is cruel and disrespectful to hundreds of thousands of veterans who are wearing their second uniform in the civil service to be forced to justify their job duties to this out-of-touch, privileged, unelected billionaire who has never performed one single hour of honest public service in his life.”
Harsh, but fair. Musk, a man who grew up rich, built his empire on taxpayer subsidies, and is currently bleeding Tesla dry, has somehow convinced himself that he is the ultimate judge of government efficiency. Because nothing says “understanding public service” like running Twitter into the ground while screaming about free speech.
Trump, of course, is watching all of this from the sidelines, no doubt giggling like a kid who just let his pet raccoon loose in a grocery store. After all, this was his dream: fire government workers en masse, privatize whatever’s left, and replace qualified experts with people who swear loyalty to him.
Government by Chainsaw (Literally)
If you thought this whole mess couldn’t get more absurd, Musk decided to celebrate his new role in government by waving a chainsaw at a conservative gathering. Yes, an actual chainsaw. Because when you’re on a mission to destroy public institutions, why not go full Texas Chainsaw Bureaucracy?
“Waste is pretty much everywhere in government,” Musk declared, before no doubt retreating to a private jet subsidized by the same government he claims to despise.
Who’s Actually in Charge Here?
So, at this point, who exactly is running the United States? Trump, who still thinks being president is like hosting The Apprentice? Musk, who believes leadership means firing everyone and letting AI handle the rest? Or neither—because governance has been replaced with social media stunts?
With federal workers now forced to justify their jobs in 48 hours or risk being erased from the system, one thing is clear: the Musk-Trump government isn’t here to serve the public. It’s here to entertain itself, dismantle institutions, and remind America that billionaires don’t need votes to seize power.
As for the federal workers? Well, they better make their bullet points count—because democracy is apparently now a performance review.
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